It's Still a Feeling
by thundercow
Summary: we're not nice. — Sasayan, Natsume, a series of drabbles.
1. i adore your ugliness

**1. i adore your ugliness**  
(older!sasayan/natsume)

Asako has always wished for attention and love and people she can trust, and she first thinks that with Sasayan here, she will eventually come to take these things for granted. It's like how she will pay extra care to her newest pair of heels the first week or so, but within the next couple of months she can drop them on the floor and not even bother to pick them up. (Sasayan picks them up and puts them back in place and though he grumbles he still does it no matter how many brand new shoes she buys.)

The opposite happens when it comes to Sasayan and romance. She becomes greedy, and she knows she is horrible when she tells him "I love you." It is all selfish, all about her and him and nothing else because no one affects her the way Sasayan does, and she doesn't want that to ever change.

When she says "I love you" she means a lot of things that even she can't quite understand, but Sasayan doesn't get scared. She wonders when she became this way, and she wants to blame him because **it's his entire fault**!

Sasayan still loves her despite this, and it just makes everything worse and sometimes she feels close to crying but he always calls her a crybaby so Asako kisses him instead, determined to change. If she must be selfish, at least she can be brave.

* * *

Sasayan thinks that Natsume spoils him too much. He feels bad because he tries very hard not to spoil her in return. She would let everything go to her head and Sasayan would listen to all her requests. In all honesty, his ability to tell her 'no' or 'you're wrong' is only a flimsy ruse. She doesn't know how great the lengths he goes to just to live with her. Sasayan wonders why he does this to himself sometimes, but then he catches her smile from the corner of his eye and he abandons the thought for another day.

It's scary how different he acts around her. With his friends, Sasayan won't even hesitate to give them whatever they want, when they want it. He's obsessively kind because having everyone get along is the first thing on his mind. Sometimes, he wonders if all this niceness is natural. It had started as a genuine desire to be with friends, but now Sasayan feels so plain compared to everyone else – and he has little right to complain about a place he got himself into.

_"I'm not as nice as you think I am,"_ he wants to scream. The most frustrating thing is that his actions betray these words. No one believes him.

But then Natsume will sit down next to him, something on her mind like things always are. She will tell him things like "you're horrible" for forgetting to buy the milk, or "you're mean and rude and strict" when he pointedly informs her she's overspending. Natsume counts off all these imperfections with her fingers. Sasayan kisses the corner of her mouth as she does until she smiles again.


	2. but you still stay

**2. but you still stay**  
(spoilers for vol 7)

Natsume's ideal guy has always been someone like Micchan: tall, strong, cool, capable, patient and level-headed and mature all at once. Since she'd been young enough to start dreaming about having a boyfriend and wearing a wedding dress, Natume hadn't thought a person like this really existed. They were trapped in the make-believe romances she read to comfort herself in the dark days of middle school. Natsume remembers enduring the loneliness with the idea that one day, she'd find friends who she could talk to even if there was no WiFi in the area. And then, she'd come across The One, and then she'd never need to be alone again.

High school brings all these and Natsume thinks that things are looking up for her at last. Haru and Mitty are friends who are frank and don't just look at her face but the person underneath too. That part of Natsume finally feels noticed for once.

Sasayan is easy to get along with and Ooshima is someone who she can relate to. She finally feels like she's a teenager, with these close friends (though she can still count all of them on one hand) and afternoons full of aimless laughter and whining over unfinished schoolwork. What really makes her feel like she's a fully-fledged teen is when her heart skips a beat.

Natsume meets many great people, the last of all being Micchan. He fulfills all the criteria in the book. It is hard to believe at first, but very soon after, it becomes very hard to believe that Micchan isn't The One.

So Natsume doesn't understand why she can't be with him. She doesn't understand why – because he's everything she's ever dreamed of and he _listens_ to her. He only tells her there's no place for her here and Natsume knows that she can't barge her way through so that there will be, knows that she can't always have what she wants, but she should still be allowed to feel sad, right? Her eyes hurt from crying and her heart hurts too even though she's happy that she managed to express all her feelings.

This is the first time she's ever felt this way and at least she can be proud that she'd been truthful to herself from the start. At least Micchan is nice enough to be truthful in return. It makes her thankful. She admires him even more though she still feels like these tears will never stop.

Maybe this is part and parcel of being a teenager too.

* * *

Sasayan is short. His ankles are skinny and his shoulders are narrow and his face is childish and he laughs too much and he gets angry at her – and only her – too easily and while he's better than her at Mathematics, his English really sucks.

...

"You aren't in a position to say anything about it," he says with a smile. Natsume harrumphs.

...

But he can still reach places she can't when he stands on his toes and he's still strong enough to cycle uphill even when she's sitting on the back of his bike. He's not strong enough to do it all the time so Natsume sometimes gets off and helps to push, and sometimes she doesn't when she's feeling lazy. Sasayan still lets her sit on the back of his bike no matter what day it is, even if it's after baseball practice, and for someone who searches for all her faults, he never looks at her the way the girls in middle school did. He looks at her the same way Mitty and Haru do and Natsume doesn't know what to think of it.

Are these what friends really are? Not just people that like you for your good qualities, but weather through your bad points too?

It's much easier to hide her selfishness and her penchant for complaining online (spellcheck and 'edit post' help) – in real life, everything tumbles out when she isn't careful. She ends up being unpretty but all of them never face their backs to her, Sasayan least of all.

Natsume wants to predict when will be the day he will walk away and never turn back. She wants to know so badly because she has to prepare herself for that, but Sasayan never gives her signs that he wants to leave – and he **_should _**because he makes it seem like he'll never truly stop spending lunchtimes with her or walking home together or being there when her heart falls to pieces and it makes one part of her topsy-turvy life stable and steady. Just like the boy himself. He should stop doing that because she might do something horrible to him someday because deep down she knows he won't ever go.

And she doesn't want to get complacent with their friendship, but Sasayan makes it very hard, and sometimes she's sorry if she takes him for granted but she can't ever say it when she needs to the most. Micchan never made her feel this way (whatever 'this way' is).

...

Natsume drinks her juice box and sits on the back of his bike, lost in thought. She only realizes it's time to get off when Sasayan taps her shoulder with his impatient, boyish hands. "It's your stop," he says. They're at the intersection where she goes left and he goes right.

"Mmm." Natsume still has the plastic straw in her mouth. "I want to sit for a little bit longer today."

Sasayan raises an eyebrow. "What for?" "I was thinking about things," Natsume says blankly. Then, realising her odd request, she hurries to say, "never mind, I think I'll walk home from here after all." The boy raises his hand to tell her to remain on her seat, as if he can hear what she doesn't say. "You're worrying me, Natsume-san. You seem out of it, so I'll give you a lift home." He turns and leans on the bike's handles so she can't see his face. "Just this once though." "There's no ne– ," she begins, but Sasayan is already taking a left. Natsume switches her words to "thank you" on impulse. She squeezes the juice box as they pass by the batting center.

...


	3. broadband

**3. broadband**  
(spoilers for vol 7)

It'd been a long time since Asako had people she could call friends. She had tons of friends actually - it was just that most of them were cartoony avatars, exclamation marks and capitalized messages on the screen of her laptop. These friends: Mitty and Haru and even Sasayan, were here for her regardless of crappy internet connections.

Sasayan was a funny guy. He also had a very warm smile. Maybe it was the smile that got her to open up to him a little bit more compared to the others. He had no intentions like the typical high school boy, didn't see her as a potential girlfriend or someone to be adored – he saw her as a klutz and was surprisingly strict with her and never hesitated to prove her wrong and Asako liked that even though she hated to be proven wrong. She liked that Sasayan saw all the things that were imperfect about her because she was tired of everyone else thinking she wasn't. It was the same reason why she loved Haru and Mitty as well, they were brutally honest with her in a way that made her feel so whole and so happy.

And though Sasayan tried not to draw attention to it, Asako realized that he was always there for her, a far more present person than Mitty (who studied furiously but bothered to look up every once in a while to check that Asako was still alive) and Haru (who looked up only because he was copying Mitty). Sasayan never forced her to make friends with the crowds and crowds he blended seamlessly in and out of. She used to envy his ability to make friends, to draw people to him like it was that easy. Asako probably still got jealous at times, but the fact that Sasayan never forced her to spend time with his friends was a small, meaningful gesture. Sasayan even introduced her to Micchan – supported her with Micchan – apologized to her about Micchan even though it was never his fault to begin with. It still made Asako feel slightly better about everything that happened the last few week. Slightly.

At the end of it all, Sasayan was somehow always there, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Asako didn't want to call him out on it, but didn't want to ignore his kindness either. (And what was the root of all this kindness? Asako wanted to know but didn't want to know at the same time, not if it lead to the one thing she'd been trying to avoid. She was enough of a hypocrite already – but at least she was a hypocrite with a good taste in fashion).

Sasayan, for all his confident grins and bevy of friends, must have had times when even he couldn't smile. She wanted to be there for him should such a time come. Not just because he was always there for her, not because of repayment, but because he might really need her then: someone with a more feminine touch. All his friends – boys or maybe guys but mostly boys – were probably too indelicate for things like these. Sasayan seemed to bear a lot on himself. Asako couldn't ever do that – she would crumple and break under all that weight.

"If you ever have something on your mind, you can tell me too. I want to help," she said as they walked home after a long day of school. She didn't feel like sitting on the back of his bike today.

Sasayan looked like he wanted to say _'I never have anything on my mind'_ but he hesitated.

Asako wanted to pat his head just then. It would an easy thing to do because he was never that tall to begin with. He was still very much a boy though, and Asako started asking herself questions she didn't want answers to.

Meanwhile, Sasayan said, "Alright." His smile was warm.


	4. why can't blogging solve all my problems

**4. why can't blogging solve all my problems? **  
(spoilers for chap 35)

Natsume doesn't know what to do about Sasayan and his sudden, straightforward confession. There hasn't been a good chance for her to speak to him, she hasn't figured out what to say, and it's not like he's waiting for an answer. Sasayan is a weird person. She still can't fathom how he could tell her [that] with such a confident, easy smile, as if it'd meant nothing to him. It hadn't even sounded like a confession, but rather, an simple statement.

Thinking of it that way makes things more bearable, but Natsume is far from being alright. She can't let down her guard. She can't. She won't.

All the boys before Sasayan had told her that they liked her and that they wanted to go out with her. It's weird because Sasayan doesn't seem to have any intentions of pursuing the latter action. He doesn't stutter when he talks to her, doesn't give her an expectant look, and he still dozes off briefly during the long stretches of math class. He's normal, as if he's content to stay as friends.

She doesn't quite believe him - can't let herself believe him - won't let herself believe him, because even though he's Sasayan, he's also a **boy**. She bolds and underlines and enlarges the word using her keyboard before deciding that enlarging it would be too much.

Still, if Sasayan is hypothetically telling the truth, then this is new to Natsume. No boy has ever actually taken this route – and because Sasayan didn't ask her out, didn't force her to make a choice, Natsume can't exactly reject him. There's nothing to reject.

It makes her feel unburdened for once, not backed up against a corner like what most boys do to her. His feelings are his alone and she can't tell him 'you can't like me!' because it doesn't work that way, Natsume knows this better now. Micchan never made light of her feelings, even if he didn't return them.

It's easy to tell someone 'you can't date me!' in comparison, even though she's grown tired of saying it repeatedly.

This what makes Sasayan different, but it's also what makes him difficult.

She accepts that Sasayan is not someone she can fully understand even though he's one of her closer [… and only few] friends. And although she disagrees with him time and time again over the smallest things (the best juice flavor) and the biggest things (Mitty and Haru's love), Natsume thought that she at least understood him a little bit more after all the time they've spent together. She'd trusted him, to a certain extent, and she can't believe that he of all people would do this to her, of all people!

Natsume slams her finger against the 'enter' key to begin the next paragraph. She's angry at him, she realises. Irrationally angry, but angry still.

Now, everything's a mess and she wishes they could ignore the entirety of last week and go back to pretending that they're just friends. As she words these thoughts into her blog entry and runs it through spellcheck, Natsume reflects on how true all of this actually is.

[What should I do? („#ﾟДﾟ) ]

She looks at the emoticon, obnoxious and overdoing it, a mirror image of her. Natsume backspaces.

[What should I do?]

There. Better.

She skims through the lengthy post, hovering over the publish button just as a familiar message pops up on her screen: [Would you like to make this entry public?]

Sasayan doesn't know her blog's URL but Natsume reconsiders this. Her initial aim had been to get advice from her online friends. She's always trusted them to help her with her problems (hair-based and otherwise), and they've always been there for her. Yet, for the first time, Natsume doesn't feel like dumping her problems onto someone else. These feelings are too personal and too heavy with emotions that she's still sorting through to share with anybody, let alone the Internet.

* * *

She goes to one of his baseball games with Mitty and Haru. They're playing against another high school in the prefecture. Sasayan is dwarfed amongst his taller, bulkier teammates but it's still easy to spot him because of the particular way he walks. Sasayan isn't anyone special on the team – that's what he tells them at least. He isn't a star batter and his catches aren't perfect all the time even though he's been playing since elementary school. If Natsume were in his position, she'd feel shortchanged for putting in so much time and yet having little else to show for it. Sasayan thinks differently. As usual.

As the crowd's chattering grows louder and the smell of different snacks fills the air, Natsume is reminded that this is her first real baseball game. She never had friends to cheer for before, after all. Mitty brings out a textbook to study while Haru shakes in his seat, still excited even though it's already half an hour into the game. She holds her hand like a visor over her eyes because the sun is shining brightly, and nearly misses the baseball soaring clear across the field.

The fielder misses the ball and the opponents steal second and third. Natsume isn't familiar with baseball, only with the bare skeletons Sasayan has explained. She still understands that if the next batter hits the pitch, they'll be in a tight spot for the next few innings. Things aren't looking good.

Sasayan, near the front of the diamond, doesn't show the anxiousness on his face. He wipes his forehead and calls out "don't mind it! don't mind it!" loudly. The rest of the team follow suit, their morale straggling back onto its feet.

Natsume feels her heart swell with something then. It's not love. It's not. The imprint Micchan has left on her is still strong and familiar.

It's – something.

The next few innings that follow are intense. Syoyo's baseball team fights back and the score evens out, until all the bases are filled again, only this time with Sasayan standing on third. Natsume and Haru hold onto each other, the tension unbearable as the last batter steps onto the plate. Even Mitty looks up from her textbook as the pitcher puts his cap back on and prepares to throw the ball.

"Strike!"

Oh, oh no. "Why was that pitch so weird?" Natsume asks Mitty. The girl thinks for a moment before saying, "It looked like the pitcher used a different throwing technique. It's probably their secret weapon. The trajectory of the ball was completely different just now."

"Strike!"

This isn't looking good at all. She shuts her eyes tight and laces her fingers together, praying hard.

When the sound of the bat punting the baseball into the air rings across the field, the crowd bursts into cheers. Natsume jumps off her seat, Haru alongside her shouting wildly. Sasayan charges towards home base as the fielders catch up to the ball and already begin throwing it back. Haru's yelling his name as the ball bullets through the air towards the catcher as Sasayan drops into a slide, kicking up a cloud of dust.

"… …. _Safe!_"

Natsume releases the breath she'd been holding, feeling her heart settle at last. Sasayan notices them in the stands as he gets back onto his feet. He waves his cap at them as the crowd erupts in applause and the Syoyo's baseball team celebrate. Mitty waves back softly and though the smile on her face is slight, Natsume can detect the hints of pride radiating from her shoulders. Haru nearly bowls over the people sitting in front of them when he leaps onto his feet to return the gesture with ten times as much enthusiasm.

Natsume stands between them, tired from jumping up and down and squints because the sun's getting in her eyes again. It's almost too bright to see Sasayan's face, but she does. There's an honest smile smudged with dirt.

* * *

It's so long now.

Natsume thinks for a moment, her fingers lingering over the keyboard. She moves her mouse over the button and clicks.

[This entry has been deleted.]


	5. unremarkable

**5. unremarkable**

Sasayan is an unremarkable person. Natsume stands by this belief. Everyone can harp on and on about his many good points, but Natsume thinks it would be better if they notice how he tends to be a busybody and how he says everything on his mind without planning ahead. Or the times he forgets to do his homework and Mitty has to lend him her notes. Plus, he doesn't always smile. He speaks when he should, but also when he shouldn't.

And Natsume's heart is something she will never tame. She asks too much from others and expects too little from herself. She takes at least half an hour to get ready for school in the morning. She breaks boys like they're made of glass and she's made of hammers. She wants to get rid of this talent, but she can't. She labels someone before she even knows them for sure. And she still can't understand the finer aspects of algebra.

Natsume is an unremarkable person too.


End file.
